JUST FOR LAUGHS 2024

[Booty Call Dolls]

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs."

The old rancher points and says, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent turns and quickly gets in the face of the rancher: "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

"You see this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Twenty minutes later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the agent running for his life......and close behind is the rancher's aggressive bull chasing him. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your badge!"

[Booty Call Dolls]

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

[seagull]

That got my day off to a good start

[Booty Call Dolls]

My wife is upset with me again....

The other day we were nearing the end of our daily jog and she said, "Do you fancy a race?"

I said, "Yeah, Asian. Great legs and petite figure."

[Booty Call Dolls]

I don't take elevators.

In fact, I take steps to avoid them.

[Booty Call Dolls]

I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet…..

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.

[Gaijin]

I know etymology and entomology are different things, but not knowing the meaning of the two words bugs me.

[Booty Call Dolls]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

[Booty Call Dolls]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

"That’ll be five dollars," says the bartender.

So the guy reaches into his pocket, and throws a bunch of coins onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the $5.00 in coins and serves him the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer and again throws a bunch of coins onto the floor.

The third day, he does the same. As you can imagine, the bartender is none too happy about serving this gentleman.

On the fourth day, the man comes in and asks for a beer. "Here we go again," the bartender thinks to himself. "That will be $5.00," he says.

To his surprise, this time, the man hands the bartender a $10.00 bill. The bartender sees a perfect opportunity to take advantage of his chance for revenge. As he returns with the man's beer, the bartender throws a bunch of coins onto the floor at the customer.

He yells: "Here’s your change, sir!”"

The customer slowly looks down at the coins and says: "I’ll have another beer, please.”

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[Layla and Laura]

Hun only moved one of my eyes, so I was cross eyed. He left because we couldn’t see eye to eye and I was seeing someone on the side anyway.

[Booty Call Dolls]

I will be posting my jokes telepathically today.

If you think of something funny, it was me.

[Booty Call Dolls]

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well. Hindsight is 1.

[Booty Call Dolls]

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive?”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

[Booty Call Dolls]

Dave loved tractors. And by loved, I mean REALLY loved. He owned loads of tractors, he was subscribed to all the tractor magazines, he had posters of tractors all over his walls and he spent all his free time at the local tractor museum. Like I said, he really loved tractors. Sadly, he was also very lonely.

Then one day, whilst visiting the tractor museum, he spotted a beautiful woman staring at a beautiful Fordson Major on display, and he decided to pluck up the courage to say hi. They started talking, and she agreed to go on a date with him. The date went great, and they continued seeing each other, fell in love, and eventually got married. Dave was so happy, his life was perfect, he had a woman who loved him and all the tractor needs in the world.

Then one day the unthinkable happened, his wife died. She was hit by a tractor and died instantly.

Dave was grief stricken. Not only had he lost the woman of his dreams, but now he couldn't look at a tractor without thinking of her and falling into an abyss of sorrow. So he threw out all of his posters, cancelled his magazine subscriptions, gave away all of his tractors to the museum, and then never set foot in it again. He spent all his days wallowing in self pity.

Years passed, but eventually Dave decided to fix his life. He started exercising, got into shape, and decided to try online dating. Maybe finding someone new could take away some of the pain he thought.

After a while he matched with a lovely woman and they started chatting. They agreed to go on a date, so Dave took her to this lovely Italian restaurant he knew. The atmosphere there was charming, it was small and candlelit, with only a few small tables. The date started well, the two of them chatted and laughed and drank wine. But as the evening went on, Dave started to notice the restaurant getting smokier and smokier, and after a while people started coughing.

A waiter came over and told them that unfortunately the candles were burning too strong and they had to evacuate because of the smoke. Dave's date was stricken, she didn't want the date to end, so Dave turned to her and said "Don't worry, I've got this!"

He stood up, took a huge breath, and sucked in all the smoke. Then he walked outside, and blew all the smoke out into the open air. Walking back into the restaurant, he was faced with astonished faces of admiration and awe.

His date ran up to him and exclaimed "How did you do that, that was amazing?!"

Dave smiles and responds:

"It was easy, I'm an extractor fan."

[Booty Call Dolls]

There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"

The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!"

To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye."

The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?"

The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!"

To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that I can BITE my left eye."

Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?"

The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, "Certainly! I told you I'm ALWAYS a bettin' man!"

To which the man said, "Give me a shot of whiskey. I want to show you something."

The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can pee in that glass right where it lays and not miss a single drop."

Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win!

"Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and pee flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked in urine. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500.

But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, "Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any possible way to do it??"

The man just smiled and told him, "You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!"