JUST FOR LAUGHS

[seagull]

So glad I checked this out

[Wheezer]

Sign at the seafood market: "Hot Steamed Crabs"

Customer to Clerk: "What got them so mad?"

[Booty Call Dolls]

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the bitter custody battle over their children posed a huge problem.

The mother gets up in front of the judge and says, "Your honor, since I brought the children into this world, I should retain custody of them."

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[Booty Call Dolls]

What happens when you hit someone at a high frequency?

It hertz.

[Booty Call Dolls]

A young man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor greets him, noticing the look of concern on his patient’s face. He then asks what brings the young man in today.

“Doc, I don’t know what to do. I’m experiencing very strange farts and I’m getting freaked out by it. I need your help,” the man says.

The doctor reassures him and begins to explain that the human body can give clues to illness. He begins checking the patient’s abdomen for signs of gastrointestinal distress.

As the doctor starts to explain that flatulence smells different based on more than just diet, the patient cuts him off, “No, doc. When I fart, it sounds like my butt-hole is saying the word ‘Honda’. It’s not a joke. It sounds clear as day and is unmistakable. I need help!”

The doctor tells him to sit tight while he goes to check something.

20 minutes later, the doctor returns and tells the patient to strip down for a full examination. The patient complies and is immediately and systematically examined. The doctor goes over every square inch of his patient’s body, occasionally poking or squeezing and asking if he feels any discomfort.

After finishing the head-to-toe check and finding nothing, the doctor begins pacing. The patient watches the doctor walking back and forth, clearly racking his brain to solve the problem.

Suddenly, the doctor snaps his head up and looks back at his patient. He grabs a tongue depressor, turns to the patient and tells him, “Say Aaaahhhh.”

After a moment of checking his patient’s mouth, he says, “There it is! Young man, you have an abscess. Schedule an appointment with your dentist ASAP.”

“An abscess?” the patient asks. “How would an abscess in my mouth cause the problem?”

The doctor looks at him and says,


“Abscess makes the fart go ‘Honda’.”

[seagull]

Nooooo!
Laughed my ass off

[Booty Call Dolls]

I was on a cruise recently.

One morning, the ship was passing very close to a small island. As I was admiring the serenity of this far off place, a ruckus occurred.

On the island, a man came running out from the thickness of the brush. His hair was down to his waist and his beard almost the same. His clothes were tattered straps, barely covering his beet red skin. He was frantically waving his arms around as he jumped up and down. And he seemed to be yelling something.

The captain of the ship happened to be on a morning stroll around the deck, so I grabbed his attention and brought him to my spot on the rail.

"Captain, there, on that island. There's a man over there. What do you think he's yelling?" I asked.

"Oh, don't mind him", the captain replied. "He does this every 3 months when we pass by."

[Booty Call Dolls]

An older man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something even more special."

The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled, and her whole body trembled with excitement.

Seeing this, the old man said, "We will take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now, and you can take it to the bank Monday to verify the funds. I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "Sir, there's no money in that account."

The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you what a weekend I had."

[Mr Franz]

Warning: The following joke may be offensive.

What do women and doggie poo have in common?
The older they get, the easier both are to pickup!

[Booty Call Dolls]

What do you get when a King leaves the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

[Booty Call Dolls]

As I get older, I think a lot about all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't the best career choice for me.

[Mr Franz]

True story.

This guy in my state submitted an application for personalized licence plates. Well, his choice was not available so the application was returned, requesting a 2nd choice. He didn't have a 2nd choice so he just wrote "No Tag" on the application and returned it. A week later her gets licence plates in the mail reading "No Tag" . He thinks it's funny, so rather than return them, he just bolts the plates on his car.

Not long after he starts getting parking tickets in the mail totaling thousands of dollars. Turns out, whenever the Police find an abandoned car with the licence plates removed, they write "No Tag" in the space for the tag number on the ticket.

[Booty Call Dolls]

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can’t believe it’s not Buddha."

[DocWen]

So, true story, but still funny.

I'm in clinic, listening to my fellow Anesthetist in the next office interview a patient. Goes like this:

Her (anesthetist): Do you partake in recreational drugs? [Yes, she talks like this.]

Him (patient): Sure.

Her: Which substances do you partake in?

Him: All of them.

Her: Marijuana?

Him: Yup.

Her: Methamphetamines?

Him (voice getting tight): Yes.

Her: Cocaine?

Him (angry): Yeeesss. Look. What part of "all of them" is confusing the fuck out of you?

[seagull]

She is just being professional