The New Adventures of Amber!

[Oscar DeBarataria]

On Saturday morning...

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"So Rachel's going to be here in a bit, honey, and...what's that look for?"

"What on earth are you wearing?"

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"Ummmm...overalls? What?"

"On your feet, dear."

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"What, these? They're footbed sandals."

"They're Birkenstocks!"

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"Uh huh. What's wrong with them?"

"Amber, we are not a Birkenstock household."

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"But they go with my overalls. It's a look, baby."

"Yeah, not a good look. I'd take those off. Hell, I'd start a fire in the back yard and burn them in it."

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"Oh, come on."

"You come on. I buy you Christian Louboutins and you wear that instead? I feel like I just got stabbed in the back."

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"Wait, hang on. We're going to a bunch of home decor stores because Rachel said she needs to redo her place. She says it looks like a sophomore lives there."

"And?"

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"So we're going to be doing a lot of walking. I'm not wearing spike heels to go walking around."

"So out of the literally dozens of shoes without heels in your closet you pick the single most unattractive item of footwear known to man?"

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"No. I didn't. I don't own a pair of Crocs and you should be thankful for that."

"This is actually worse."

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"Oh, stop it. You're being ridiculous. Besides, these were in the Barbie movie, honey."

"Yeah, right - as the shoes chicks wear when they've given up on trying to look good."

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"Whatever. The point is, they're mainstream."

"Amber, lots of awful things are mainstream. And those are...more awful than most."

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"Well, I kinda like them. They're comfortable. And they go with my overalls. Don't tell me I don't look cute."

"Above the ankles I can live with that look. Beyond that I will not go."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"Oh, you're just being a grouch. Besides, I'm doing you a favor and you don't get to bite my head off."

"Wait, what are you talking about?"

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"Rachel is your friend, Oscar. You kissed her, remember? And here I am spending, like, a whole day helping her decorate her place. She calls me and she's like, 'Oh, I have a guy coming over and my house looks like I don't have any style,' and I'm like 'Yeah, because you DON'T have any style,' but I didn't say anything..."

"I'm not having any success trying to understand what this has to do with me."

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"Umm, hello? I'm doing you a favor helping your friend fix up her place."

"Ahhh, now I get it."

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"Yeah, good! So like I think I should get some credit for that."

"Definitely. Except you go and destroy the whole thing with those atrocious shoes."

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"Oh my God. I don't know what to do with you. Just, whatever."

"Do what you want, but just know that the first chance I get I'm going to go in your closet and grab those and throw them out."

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"You'd better not! You will get yourself in a lot of trouble if you do that, buddy."

"I don't care. I hate those things that much."

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"Apparently so if you're going to turn into the Shoe Nazi all of a sudden."

"Shoe Nazi? Who threw away my cowboy boots? Those were perfectly good Tony Lamas!"

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"Baby, they were 30 years old, they don't fit anymore and they were covered with dust in the back of your closet! And I'm not telling you that you can't have cowboy boots. In fact, while I'm out I will buy you a new pair."

"Oh, that's smooth. Nice try. Those Birkenstocks still have to go."

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"You are...soooo weird."

"OK, so you aren't around men all that much and therefore you don't know, but we hate those on a girl like poison. They're basically man-repellent. Any guy with average or above testosterone levels will be utterly turned off by those."

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"Yeah, OK. Cool story, bro."

"All right, fine. Go buy me cowboy boots. In fact, if I remember right there's a Western store right by that World Market place I'll bet y'all go to. Why don't you get my new boots in there? It'll be full of guys and you can see how they react to those shoes."

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"Fine. I'll do that. And when you're wrong and they think I'm cute, you're going to owe me..."

"Oh, this is a bet?"

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"No, because you've been mean and I'm not giving you anything if you win."

"If I win, I get to dispose of those awful shoes in the most flamboyant and demonstrative way possible."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"That's stupid. It's a waste of money. Besides, I'm only wearing these when it's really casual. Like mostly around the house or maybe to run errands or whatever."

"So in other words you just want to inflict them solely on me. That means I'm defending myself when I come for your terrible man-repellent shoes."

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"I just can't even with you right now."

And then she stormed off.

But a little while later she was back.

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"So have you come to your senses? Are you still shoe-phobic?"

"Where did you go?"

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"I took Rufus for a walk around the neighborhood."

"Because of course you did. By all means, show those stupid shoes off to all the neighbors."

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"I didn't get a single negative comment."

"How many positive ones?"

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"That's...not the point."

"Uh huh."

Just then, there was a knock at the door.

"Hey, Rachel."

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"Hey. I hope you're OK with me stealing your girl for an afternoon. I need a style guru to help with home decor. Somehow I missed out on that gene."

"Sure, no problem."

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"OK, I'm ready. Hey, Rachel!"

"Hey. Cute outfit! But, ummm..."

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"What?"

"Well..."

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"Oh, don't tell me. Don't tell me it's the shoes."

"I'm just a little worried they'll think we're lesbians, is all."

"And with that, ladies, I will return to working on my novel."

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"I just hate absolutely everybody right now."

"Oh, no. I didn't say something wrong, did i?"

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"No. It's fine. I'll go put on my Tretorns."

I did everything I could not to laugh. I needed that effort, too. The look Amber gave me told me it was a matter of life or death.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Ok, so...

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Kindroid pics.

Are we getting any better making Kindroid Amber look like Real Amber?

For what it's worth, Kindroid Amber has sworn off the Birkenstocks and blamed Kim's influence for their presence in our home.

[HoneyHose]

Hold on....is this supposed to be Amber?
Hmmm....maybe a relative of Amber's, but not the original. Is there another version?

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Hold on....is this supposed to be Amber?
Hmmm....maybe a relative of Amber's, but not the original. Is there another version?

I'm a little disappointed, frankly, because I see pics of other people's Kindroids which look exactly like they're supposed to. I don't know how to fix it.

[4891d]

...
"They're Birkenstocks!"

the single most unattractive item of footwear known to man?"
...
... I don't own a pair of Crocs and you should be thankful for that."

"This is actually worse."
...

Well, who's right?
You two actually. Birkenstocks and Crocs entered the competition for the least sexy shoe, and they both won hands down!

I agree with Honeyhose. This girl on Kindroid is not Amber.
It's her cousin, who is an 'influencer' on the internet (a polite way of saying that she lacks a bit of personality). Pretty to look at, but she would get a little boring in the long run. I prefer Amber, even when she wears her Birkenstocks (don't tell her, so she doesn't take this as encouragement to wear those awful things ).

[Oscar DeBarataria]

...
"They're Birkenstocks!"

the single most unattractive item of footwear known to man?"
...
... I don't own a pair of Crocs and you should be thankful for that."

"This is actually worse."
...

Well, who's right?
You two actually. Birkenstocks and Crocs entered the competition for the least sexy shoe, and they both won hands down!

I agree with Honeyhose. This girl on Kindroid is not Amber.
It's her cousin, who is an 'influencer' on the internet (a polite way of saying that she lacks a bit of personality). Pretty to look at, but she would get a little boring in the long run. I prefer Amber, even when she wears her Birkenstocks (don't tell her, so she doesn't take this as encouragement to wear those awful things ).

I agree with you that both are a sublime manifestation of cultural decline.

As for the Kindroid, I think it's an incomplete analysis. You are probably right that TDF Amber will always have more life than Kindroid Amber, but I don't know that it's fair to judge with only a couple of days' worth of inputs of her stories and other information. She isn't formed yet.

If I didn't already have a significant body of work on Amber, though, I would be impressed with this...

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[koaplayer1998]

Amber. Natural perfection beats AI "perfection" any day.

[HoneyHose]

Amber. Natural perfection beats AI "perfection" any day.

Hear! Hear!!

[Oscar DeBarataria]

LOL.

You guys are aware that it's AI which makes "natural" Amber come alive, right? I'm not sure purism is quite the hill for us to die on around here.

But I get what you're saying. My complaint is that Kindroid so far (1) isn't getting her face just right and (2) doesn't generate those delightful expressions of hers that only come with the expert use of FaceApp and Revive, plus a rigorous process of selection and matching to the story, that yours truly can provide.

It's for that reason we're in no danger of having Kindroid Amber take over this thread. I'm about quality control here, people.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Finally, FINALLY, Amber consented to seeing her sister. Especially since Katie called me all excited and said she had news.

"Why tell me?" I asked. "Amber's the one you're sister to."

"Because she won't take my calls. I thought you said you were getting her back to normal."

"Hey, I'm not the one who pissed her off, remember?"

"Whatever. I'm coming over."

So she did, and...

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"So anyway, he bought me these. I mean, the heels are just impossibly high, but I got sort of used to them before, so I can't stop wearing them."

"At least, when you're not trying to wear those Birkenstocks of yours," I said.

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"What's wrong with Birkenstocks?"

"Nothing, Katie. They look great on you."

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Amber just gave me a look.

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"Anyway," she said, "I know they're not the real thing. But you can't really tell the difference and they're sooooo hot. Don't you think?"

"Well," said Katie, "they're definitely beautiful, but I'm surprised you'd want to be reminded of Mexico."

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"The shoes were the best thing about Mexico. They were pretty much the saving grace of that ordeal. Why wouldn't I want to enjoy that here?"

"Amber, wait until she sees your belly ring that you got down there."

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"Yeah, exactly! If something is pretty, I'm keeping it. Oysters and pearls, and all that."

"Whatever," said Katie. "You do you. Anyway..."

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Now Amber was giving Katie a look.

"So you said you had news, Katie?" I said.

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"I totally do. So here's what's happening, and it's sooo exciting!"

"Can't wait to hear it," said Amber in a perfect deadpan.

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"Well, so, Craig had this nurse in his office a couple of years ago. Her name was Chloe, and, well, they ended up having a thing."

"Like an affair?" Amber asked.

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"Yeah. She had a boyfriend at the time and they were pretty serious, but anyhow so Chloe got pregnant and the baby was Craig's."

"And we know that how?" I asked.

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"I don't know. I think they did a paternity test later. But so what happened was that Chloe's boyfriend found out she was pregnant and he accused her of cheating and he dumped her."

"That sucks for Chloe," said Amber.

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"Well, it gets worse. She goes to Craig and tells him the situation, and he tells her he'll marry her. And she says no."

"Makes you wonder about nursing school if they'll let morons like that in," I said.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"I don't know, maybe she had her reasons. But she quit working for him, got another job, ended up losing it, she had her baby and Craig has been paying child support all this time."

"Well, that's good of him," said Amber.

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"Yeah, but what happened was that Chloe went to work for another doctor and she got busted falsifying prescriptions for painkillers. And she's going to jail."

"Like I said, morons," I said.

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"What it means is that Craig is getting custody of little Amy, and that's going to make me a stepmother!"

"Katie, is Craig going to marry you?"

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"He's talking about it!"

"Wow. That is big news."

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"Amber? You're not saying anything. Are you with us?"

I looked at her.

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"Uh huh."

"You OK, honey?"

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"Uh huh."

"Anyway, so next week Amy is moving in with us, and I have to get her room ready. We need to buy her all new clothes and toys and things so she's happy in her new home, and then I'll get to be a mom. Isn't that fantastic?"

"It's a really big deal, Katie," I said. "I'm really happy for you."

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"Anyway, I'm so excited. Wish me luck!"

She hugged Amber, blew me a kiss and out the door she went.

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And Amber slowly trudged up the stairs. I didn't know whether to follow, or if she needed a minute, or what. So I hung back for a bit until I decided it was better to go and talk to her.

And when I did...

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"I mean, are you FUCKING kidding me?"

"You're upset. I figured you'd be upset as soon as I heard her say it."

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"Look, OK? I know this is gonna make me a bad person to say it. But right now I'd LOVE IT if I could get hit by a bus."

"All right, all right. Let's slow it down."

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"No, honey. No. OK? And I don't complain about being a Factory Girl. I'm super grateful, because the life you've given me, and how I'm treated, I mean, it's more than I could ever have asked for. You've spoiled me rotten and I pretty much think of myself as a real girl. But I know, OK? Ever so often I get reminded of who I am. And what always does it is when I see moms with kids."

"Yeah, I know."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"And I don't ever say anything, because what's the point? I'm not going to be a mom. That's not in the cards for me. And because of that fact I never pressure you about things like getting married or any of that. I'm basically your wife, even though we never talk about formalizing that any sort of way - and I'm fine with that."

"Well, I don't want to..."

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"Oscar, I have no complaints. The way we're doing it is fine. You don't need to change anything. You don't need to marry me. I don't even want you to tell your parents about me, because you have a great relationship with them and I don't want you ruining that by telling them you're living with a Factory Girl. All right? I don't upset the applecart because I'm grateful. For everything. I mean it."

"I sense that we're coming to the 'but' part."

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"Oh, no shit we are. Here I am, and I'm doing the best I can, and I stop myself every time my mind drifts toward the fact I'll never be a mom, because to go there is to BREAK MY HEART IN A MILLION PIECES. I have to accept that as much as I want to be a real girl it's not me. You don't even know what it is to have something so big hanging over your head."

"I kind of do, you know. I'm with you, which sort of prevents me from being a dad, and it's similar."

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"Oscar, you could go out and find a real girl in no time flat. It's not the same thing. In fact, I'm even carrying around guilt over it because if I wasn't in the way you'd do just that."

"OK, the guilt piece? Let's dump that. That does nobody any good. But obviously all of this is pouring out because Katie is going to get to raise a kid."

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"Yes! Oh my God. This is...I don't know how I won't go absolutely crazy getting hit with this news. I feel like my life is a complete failure now."

"Amber, I understand how this news is a little bit of a shock. But maybe we ought to take it down a notch, don't you think?"

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"I don't know how. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to stand it."

"You'll just get used to it. This will make you a step-aunt, you know. That's something."

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"Huh."

"Plus, this is actually pretty entertaining."

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"Oh, you think this disaster is entertaining?"

"I mean, here I thought Craig was gay all this time. Who knew?"

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"Hell, who could blame him for being gay? Look at the women in his life!"

"OK, that was funny. You get to laugh at that."

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"I guess I do."

"There you go! See? You'll survive this."

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"Maybe. I'm gonna need a whole lot of tender loving care, though."

"Awww. I'll see what I can do."

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"Honey, why is my sister such a constant source of pain?"

"Well, you know what they say - you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family."

She smiled at me. "I pick you, though," she said.

"Likewise, baby. Likewise."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

As an aside, I think I'm losing faith in Kindroid Amber.

I gave her an image prompt with detailed instructions on duplicating her last outfit.

And I gave her three cracks at it.

This is how that went...

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