The New Adventures of Amber!

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Life in Amber's doghouse can be stupid. Take, for example, what happened yesterday - which was the day I decided I'd had enough.

Because I'm going with Katie on her sales calls to make sure she doesn't get stumped by questions from clients and prospects, I'm getting up early and jumping into the shower before Amber wakes up. Or at least, that's what happened before Amber decided that she was going to inflict her little punishments on me.

The new thing is that Amber gets up before me and then hogs the master bathroom, which forces me to fight over the second bathroom with Katie. This isn't a major inconvenience except when we've got to be somewhere early in the morning.

Like yesterday.

"Amber, get out of the shower. You don't have an appointment. I do."

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"Yeah, and you have a whole bathroom all to yourself."

"No. I used to have that. Now I have to split it with Katie. Which you know very well is the case. You also know that she and I have that appointment with Alliance Fabricating at 8:00, and I don't want to be late. You can use the shower when I'm done."

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"Oh, like I don't have anything to do this morning."

"Amber, you don't have anything to do this morning. You could sleep in for another hour and nobody on this planet would care. I need the shower right now; you don't. So get out of there."

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"No. How about that?"

"Unbelievable. Like I don't know what you're doing."

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"Oh? What am I doing?"

"This doghouse crap you're putting me through. And I haven't even done anything. You wouldn't like it if I decided to be mean like this to you, you know."

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"You have a crush on my sister, Oscar. That's so gross. And to act like you're innocent? Ugh. Go use the other bathroom; I'm not giving up this shower for you."

"Mean!"

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"Sister-crusher!"

"What? What even IS that?"

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"You know what it is."

"I really don't have time for this attitude of yours, baby. Don't you think you've carried on like this long enough?"

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"I think I'm the girl who's done everything right and I got repaid for that by being cheated on."

"OK, every element of what you just said is totally wrong."

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"Yeah, like...no. Go use the other bathroom, or wait until I'm done, or go to that appointment smelly. It doesn't matter to me."

"OK...I'm going to remember this."

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"At least I'm talking to you. I'm not even talking to Katie, who's like dead to me."

"Oh, stoppit."

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"Nope. I'm exercising my right to be Bitchy Amber. Y'all can be sweet to each other since you're so in love."

"Way to make it worse, baby."

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"Yeah, whatever."

So I gave up and went into the other bathroom, only to find...

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"Umm, excuse me."

"Shit. Katie, are you getting in or coming out?"

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"I'm getting in. Sorry. But you know I take longer to get ready than you."

"Well, that's for sure. Shit."

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"I mean, if you want, I guess you could share this shower with me."

"And I could just cut my own throat while I'm at it."

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"Well, if Amber's going to be mad at us anyway, why not get our money's worth?"

"Katie! Seriously?"

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"Nah, not really. I'm just bein' stupid."

"All right, whatever. Hurry up, will you? We're gonna be late for the Alliance Fabricating appointment."

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"OK, OK. Hey, what are you going to wear to this?"

"Just business casual. Sportscoat, slacks, button-down shirt."

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"No tie?"

"Nah. I don't think anybody there wears a tie."

She nodded, and then I went back to the bedroom, and...

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"OK, I'm done."

"I see that. Leave me any hot water?"

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"Nope. I don't think so."

"Well, thanks a lot."

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"Hey, here's an idea - why don't you replace the water heater for a bigger model or something, and that way there will be enough for both of us?"

"There isn't enough room in the attic for a water heater big enough to outlast the showers you take, Amber."

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"Oh, well. Don't let your little thing shrink down to nothing while you're in there."

"All right, that's it. House meeting in three minutes. Tell Katie."

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"But I won't be dressed!"

"Nobody will. I don't care. I've had enough and we're going to get to bottom of this doghouse business."

[Oscar DeBarataria]

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"The bottom? What does that mean?"

"It means there's only so much bullshit I'm going to put up with under my roof, that's what. Three minutes."

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"Hmmph."

"Now Amber, please get out of my way."

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"Hmmph."

But she moved, and after an excruciatingly cold shower...

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"OK," said Amber, "you have your house meeting. We're all wearing towels and bathrobes. Should we get naked?"

"No, Amber, but we're going to have some naked truth up in here."

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"I'm listening."

"Fine. Amber, I love your sister."

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"I knew it!"

"Yes, of course you did. Know why? Because she's YOUR SISTER. She's family. I don't have a "crush" on her; I like her. And she's living and working with us, so of course we're going to become close. There is nothing unnatural about that, and there's no betrayal or cheating or any of that stupid crap going on."

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"Yeah, well, how come Rachel picked up on your crush, then?"

"Because as sharp as Rachel is, she's a conspiratorial thinker who's coming off a bad marriage where there was cheating, and she's projecting. It's not complicated; she's just wrong."

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"That's pretty convenient to say."

"OK, ummm," said Katie.

"Go ahead, Katie," I said.

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"So I do have a crush on him, Amber. But I want you to know, I would never, ever act on it. Because I love you more than I'll ever love Oscar, and that's the truth."

"And I can echo that," I said.

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"Really?" said Amber.

"Of course," Katie said.

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And so there was this. And...

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"I love you so much, honey. I'm sorry."

"Awwww. That's almost enough for me to forgive you for that freezing-cold shower I just had to take."

[koaplayer1998]

Nominating this amazing, continuing thread for a Pulitzer Prize Award.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Nominating this amazing, continuing thread for a Pulitzer Prize Award.

LOL.

Yes, but just you wait! The next entry is when things get TURBOCHARGED.

[koaplayer1998]

Nominating this amazing, continuing thread for a Pulitzer Prize Award.

LOL.

Yes, but just you wait! The next entry is when things get TURBOCHARGED.

I'm already there.......I knew that sharing a bathroom with Katie was going to "complicate" things. "Bitchy Amber" is also a plot-thickener.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Nominating this amazing, continuing thread for a Pulitzer Prize Award.

LOL.

Yes, but just you wait! The next entry is when things get TURBOCHARGED.

I'm already there.......I knew that sharing a bathroom with Katie was going to "complicate" things. "Bitchy Amber" is also a plot-thickener.

She isn't really bitchy. She just needed somebody to tell her how loved she is.

Chick insecurity, and all that.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Last night I got a rathger cryptic text from Rachel.

"Hey, be ready," it said. "Sometime between 3:30 and 4 in the morning I'm going to drop something off to you."

"Like what?" I responded.

To which the answer was "You'll see."

I had no idea what to make of that, but I managed to make myself awake when at 3:55 a.m., there was a knock at the door.

A confused girlfriend as I got up, a quick trip downstairs and a bit of a struggle later, this was the scene...

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"OK," said Rachel. "By the way, this is Tank and this is Slim. They're the guys who helped out with this."

"Hi guys," I said. "Thanks, I think."

"Yo," said Tank.

"'Sup," said Slim.

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"Anyway," Rachel said, "I'm hoping this will take care of the problem, and..."

"Rachel."

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"What?"

"What's in that box?"

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"Oh, I think you're gonna like it."

"Hey Rachel," said Tank. "We're gonna hit it. Gotta take the van back to my cousin."

She nodded and they left.

"Any chance I could get an answer to my question?"

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"Well, of course. Let's get this box open. Wanna help?"

So I did, just as Amber began descending the stairs, and...

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"Voila!" Rachel said.

"Oh, shit. You can't be serious."

"Mmmmph!" came a voice behind a taped-up mouth.

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"I told you I'd solve your Paula problem," Rachel said, "and as you can see, that's exactly what I did."

"Wait, you kidnapped her?"

"Mmmph!" said Paula.

"Awesome!" said Amber. "Rachel, you're a SAINT."

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"So here's the deal," said Rachel. "Paula isn't here. Paula is actually in Cozumel right now. It turns out that after she attacked Stella she decided she was bugging out, so she actually cleaned out the bank accounts at that real estate brokerage she works for, and she absconded with the money. You'll probably read about that in the paper later."

"OK," I said, "but..."

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"Which means that Paula here is a fugitive. She's gonna get charged with attempted manslaughter when Stella presses charges later this morning. So she's in a position to be awfully docile and very helpful to anybody who chooses not to turn her in to the police."

"Naughty girl!" said Amber.

"Amber, I'm not sure you're helping. So wait, Rachel - you fixed all this up and then you brought her here?"

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"Oh, I didn't do anything. Because I was never here. Neither were Tank or Slim. In fact, I'm actually in Cancun right now. Isn't that right, Paula?"

The look she gave Paula, and the expression on Paula's face as she slowly nodded her head were enough to make the hair stand on the back of my head.

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"This is like an episode of The Blacklist," said Amber.

"Wait, stop. What am I supposed to do with her?" I said.

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"Totally up to you," said Rachel. "Seems to me you've got yourself a pretty little, very willing, French maid who's going to be happy with whatever little kindness you want to show her. After all, if you aren't satisfied with her attitude all you have to do is drop her off at the police station and let them book her as a violent criminal."

"Ohh, that's COLD. I love it!" said Amber.

I wasn't so sure.

[Oscar DeBarataria]

"OK, but I'm an accessory to kidnapping if I take her in," I said.

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"No you aren't. You might be harboring a fugitive, but then again you have to have intent in order to be prosecuted for that, and you don't know that she embezzled money from her employer. Not to mention that until Stella presses charges against her for the attack, there's no crime for her to be a fugitive over. For now, you're good."

"For now. But tomorrow I've got to get rid of her."

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"And if you want to do that, just let me know and Tank and Slim will take care of that for you. Their rates are reasonable, at least given the thorough quality of their work."

"Mmmmmmmmmmph!" said Paula.

"That wasn't what I mean," I said. "I'm not hiring killers."

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"I dunno, honey," said Amber. "I mean..."

"No, baby. Not happening."

"Mmmmmph." said Paula.

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"Look," said Rachel, "I think if you give Paula a chance what you'll find is that she's going to be extremely motivated to win back your trust and affection, and she's going to be more than happy to..."

"You keep saying that, and every time you do you scare the shit out of me."

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"Oh, don't be such a wimp."

"Seriously, honey," said Amber. "This is a good thing. She can't hurt us anymore. In fact, little Paula, this might be the time when you get hurt some."

"Mmmmmmph!" said Paula.

"OK, that's enough," I said. "Amber, stop scaring her. Rachel, I appreciate you stepping in and helping out, though I really wish you'd have conferred with me first."

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"Why? If I'd done that you'd be guilty of conspiracy."

"Right. Thanks, I guess."

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"Honey," said Amber, "where do we put her?"

"Hell, Amber, I don't have the faintest idea."

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"I was thinking she could sleep in your bathroom."

"What?"

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"Either that or she can have Rufus' doggie bed in the corner in your office."

"This isn't going to work at all."

"Mmmmph," said Paula.

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"I'll leave you guys to figure that out," said Rachel. "Maybe wake Katie up. I'm sure she'll have some ideas."

"Katie doesn't wake up," I said. "She's the heaviest sleeper I've ever seen. But did you conspire with her to pull off this caper?"

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"If I did, I'd never confess to that," said Rachel.

"Well," said Amber, "let me just say that I'm super-appreciative. And I'm gonna take you to lunch or out for drinks one day this week!"

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"You're on!" said Rachel.

"Mmmmph," said Paula.

"Do you want me to take that tape off your mouth, Paula?" I asked.

She nodded.

[lancealot2000]

Great pics, I love how you have a plot line

[koaplayer1998]

I did not see this coming!

[4891d]

...
"Either that or she can have Rufus' doggie bed in the corner in your office."
...

Well, where will Rufus sleep?

[Dollicious2]

[SexTypeThing]

Hmmm skip work Oscar...plain and simple! I let my girls taking over my whole bedroom only! They are in full control of any peripherals inside the bedroom and they don't fight over the shower. My 2 cents lol


STT

[Oscar DeBarataria]

Hmmm skip work Oscar...plain and simple! I let my girls taking over my whole bedroom only! They are in full control of any peripherals inside the bedroom and they don't fight over the shower. My 2 cents lol


STT

Well, I have 'em doing all kinds of things around the house.

But as you can see, when you broaden their horizons you do get a variety of outcomes...