Questions for a female that has a male doll?

[ShadowCat]

What an insightful answer. Honestly, I was sitting around waiting for an answer that revolved around physical difference (typical male that I am), and your answer gives an emotional justification. That sooooo supports everything that I've read (studied a bit on the subject).

As far as I understand sex between men and women, women need to have (that is most women) an emotional connection first and the physical follows that. For guys, it is often the opposite. Funny how that works out sometimes.

But the real reason that women may not be enjoying sex with their man (speaking mainly about marriages) is because of lack of being comfortable.
Men are visual and want to see their partner, but women (thanks to our media infested world) tend to be incredibly uncomfortable with thier bodies (even if they have a super model body). And of course, the level of emotional intimancy that she has or doesn't have with the her partner totally opens or shuts the door to enjoyment.

Yes, I totally agree. It doesn't just happen in marriages though, it could be any sexual relationship. I would tend to think that in a marriage, the woman may have the chance to become more comfortable (is that too optimistic?).
It is true that we (women) have all this "stuff" going on in our minds all the time about body image/emotions/what happens next, etc. sometimes we are not even conscious of all of it. Our comfort level has ALOT to do with our own perceptions of ourselves. One key feature (IMO) for a successful sexual relationship is that the woman feels safe to express herself.

Another problem that women face, besides the media, is a double standard when it comes to us being sexual. This may come from religion, upbringing, coming from a conservative background, etc. Here's an example: I was raised Roman Catholic. I am not religious and only part of my family is. Religion and being conservative teaches women that sex is dirty, not holy, only for procreation, and you are a bad person if you go around enjoying it. It supresses/makes us feels bad about our bodies and desires. Still today, it's perfectly normal for a man to be sexual- he is even encouraged to do so. For women, if you are- you're a slut or worse.
Then we have the flip side- the media. Where we are encouraged to be sexual and beautiful- impossible standards. It's scary that pre-teens are now dressing as if they are 18 or older. Message here- you don't matter or men won't like you if you're not beautiful or sexy. Confusing, no?

So it makes total sense that if a woman had a doll, with whom all of the issues of appearance no longer apply, and there is no fear of betrayal, exploitation, or taking for granted, then it would stand to reason that a woman with a doll could enjoy that doll more because it's not an uphill battle to get to the point of enjoying him.

Crap, I didn't mean to write a "book." Some of us women are complicated. For me, it has alot to do with psychological stuff. There are things I don't like about my body, but I'm the correct weight/height ratio with average looks. But, yes, with Aki all the "stuff" isn't there. I'm sure this is where men and women have some of same reasons for owning a doll

[Stephanie RD]

Everyone is making really excellent and insightful points.

To summarize, there is a distinction between "good sex" and actually "sexual intimacy."

"Good sex" comes from two physically attracted to each other.

"Sexual intimacy" come from two people truly in love being sexually intimate together.

A good example climax or rather anti climax in the movie '10.'

Throughout the entire film Dudley Moore clumsily pursues his dream girl Bo Derek. Obviously there is extreme sexual attraction.

However, when he finally gets his in bed, literally, he realizes sex with her is no good because she does not love him the same way he loves her. She is giving him her body but not her heart.

That said Moore, still has his earthly needs just like everyone else.

Lucky for Moore he returns home to his girlfriend Julie Andrews whom he truly loves.

Realistically, if Moore didn't have a back up girlfriend, and his sexual options were between Bo Derek and himself? He obviously would have satisfied himself with Bo Derek.

[47616902]

Ok, here's my theory based of personal experience and ridiculous self study (potential book warning). GENERALLY SPEAKING (my quid pro quo), in relationships women seek to be esteemed/cherrished whereas men seek to be respected/accepted. Naturally when a woman is feeling cherrished, she throws out respect/admiration/praise towards her man. When a man is feeling respected (you're the bomb), he naturally esteems the woman (want to be knight in shining armor). The "In Love" experience is when both the woman and man believe (either accurately or naively) that their partner will meet the others need, so they're incredibly happy at that prospect, and consequently start unconsciously providing what the other needs in huge waves.
Problem is that after time, for whatever reason, one or the other (usually both) will do something that will send a message "hey, he/she was inconsistent with what I thought because they didn't esteem me or show me respect in that situation." Now here is where things crash (although not immediately). GENERALLY SPEAKING, when the woman receives (or believes she's received) signs of lack of esteem, she will "bring it up" (not necessarily complaining & she might let the first couple of times fly seeing them as exceptions), but will let the guy know that his performance is waining. Problem is, the guy will interpret that as lack of respect (he's no longer the knight, but he's imperfect). Now here's where things really get bad. GENERALLY SPEAKING, when a guy receives (or believes he receives) signs that the other does not respect him, he will get defensive and withdraw (as if instinctively believing that if he backs away, he'll be missed and desired and appreciated). But that withdraw is seen as even less being esteemed by the woman, who pours on the discontentment a little bit more than before, causing the guy to back of and esteem her even more, and so forth and so on until both have no faith that the other esteems at all or respects at all or ever will. Voila. End of relationship.

To make things even crazier, the amount of faith reserves that each has towards the other is totally different. It takes almost no time for the guy to have faith in the woman, but it also doesn't take months of "inconsistent behavior" for him to lose that faith (at least emotionally) because you can't be the hero today and then be a screw up two weeks later (the ever so popular male ego). Women on the other hand have huge reserves, and once that faith is established, the she could go for extended amounts of time not receiving what she needs before she "sees the writing on the wall". By the the time she gets to that point, even if the guy tries to change his ways, it will take quite a while to build that faith back up (the ever so popular fact that saying "I'm Sorry" to a woman is the beginning of the process and not the end.)
Now it really gets screwed up because the guy's idea of what it should take to restore her is totally distorted because for him, it should take a few weeks, maybe a month. But the woman has been in a tailspin for longer than he knows, so it may take months to build back up. After the guy tries for a while and she doesn't respond in the tiime that he thinks she should have, he begins to write it off as impossible.
What makes it all totally go nuclear is that (GENERALLY SPEAKING) aside from the sex drive, men see sex as the woman yielding to him and accepting him, whereas for the woman it is a deeper area that is opened only to one who deeply esteems them as precious. This chain reaction makes the man even more desperate for sex/acceptance while making the woman less desirous for sex because it is no longer precious but demanded/expected. CONGRATULATIONS. You now have my theory behind the huge divorce rate.

The way it all could have been avoided is if both knew what the other needed, and committed to providing it, irrespective of whether their partner was doing it. That way, even if the other has an off day, it doesn't turn into a negative chain reaction. Plus if both are providing what they are supposed to, then they make it easier for their partner to unconsciously keep dishing out as well. Thus prolonging/extending indefinitly the "in love" experience.

So what the heck does this have to do with dolls
If a guy is aware of these dynamics and recognizes that his lady's lack of zeal sexually, intimately, or comfort is the result of her needs having gone unmet (or poorly rationed) for an extended amount of time, and if he decides to embark on the journey to build her back up, he's going to need something to deal with his sex drive, because he can't demand it from her while he's climbing that mountain. Demanding it or even overly expecting it totally sabotage's his efforts to allow her to accept that he is commited to esteeming her regardless of her actions. (wait for the flower to bloom). As the saying goes. "Blessed is the woman who knows she does not have to earn her love." The doll allows him to have that alternative for super sex drive days, or to tied him over while waiting for the flower to bloom, because just as it seems crazy for the woman to try to buy into a guy who has been neglectful for such an extended amount of time, it's seems just as crazy for the guy to keep trying when it feels like he's spitting in the wind.

Ok, this was too much. My soap box has collapsed. Sophistication or silliness. You decide.

This is probably now off topic. Feel free to join my thread on "dolls in marriage" http://dollforum.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=43305. I'm going to repeat this in that thred.

[ShadowCat]

Wow, fascinating stuff. I think it makes sense. What books have you read? I haven't read that much on relationships in general, just been going off my general knowledge and personal experience. It's so nice to have an educated conversation.

It's amazing that men and women get along at all in relationships given we have such different dyamnics. Yet, at the same time, we can compliment each other. Maybe real committment involves working at understanding the opposite sex more.

That leads me to wondering about the dyamnic of a same sex relationship. How does that work when you and your partner are essentially wired the same way? I say that with caution, because both sexual orientation and gender characteristics fall along a spectrum (i.e. the "butch" female or feminine male). I was bicurious for a while and then discovered I was attracted to very specific women. I probably fall somewhere between hetero and bisexual. Anyway, my point is that other women have been able to get "through my shielding" (which is a normal pyschological separation between people) almost immediately, whereas alot of guys never even came close. Getting through the shields (persona) and down to the real person causes an emotional reaction- even feelings of love- this person understands me, etc. I assume some of that happens easily BECAUSE we are the same sex.

Back to dolls: Every guy should have a doll!! (if we follow your line of reasoning). I'd love the pressure taken off me (not to mention I could have a little fun with a female doll too-lol). Makes sense to me.
One of the things that has been in the back of my mind- and maybe should be a separate thread- is worrying about what people I date/might have a future relationship with would think of Aki. They would need to be accepting of him, because he's not going anywhere, but I wonder if my owning a MALE doll automatically limits my prospects for future partners. Would women be more accepting? Would a guy see him as a threat to his own (the guy's) ability to satisfy his partner or would it totally turn him on? Thoughts on that?

[Papa Bear]

One of the things that has been in the back of my mind- and maybe should be a separate thread- is worrying about what people I date/might have a future relationship with would think of Aki. They would need to be accepting of him, because he's not going anywhere, but I wonder if my owning a MALE doll automatically limits my prospects for future partners. Would women be more accepting? Would a guy see him as a threat to his own (the guy's) ability to satisfy his partner or would it totally turn him on? Thoughts on that?

My personal perspective as a man? Watching a woman having sex is always a turn on, with a man, with a woman, with a doll, with a dildo, with her hand and on and on. I believe even many so called homophobic men like watching lesbian porn. I think if you took a poll the majority of men would feel the same.

[47616902]

Too many books to mention, but the most insightful have been "Love & Respect", "The 5 Love Languages", and "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"...

Can't related to the same sex question (guys aren't remotely or theoretically attractive to me), although I'm sure gay men probably would appreciate each other's high sex drive, while lesbians would appreciate each other's high compassion and communication needs. I do think that just as guys can bond quickly due to their normal method of communication, I'd assume the same for women, so if they crossed that line where they could actually find each other attractive, it would make sense that they would enjoy getting what they like. The one thing about same sex (unless you have the role reversal,ie. butch, factor kicking in that also happens to be accompanied by the natural responses to getting what you want) is that normally, when a man receives the respect/admiration, he instinctively dishes out esteem, which is not necessarily what the other man wants (again unless the role reversal encompassses having that desire as well), just as the woman receiving esteem and love won't dish out esteem in return, but admiration/respect. In otherwords, the homosexual couple would enjoy the advantage of having a partner that dishes out what they like normally, but they would not set each other off in a positive chain reaction (one feeding the other). My fascination is in grabbing hold of the dynamic of "behind every great man you find a great woman (evidence of the positive chain reaction), and the dynamic of the woman who become more beautiful (not just appearance but emotional, energy, etc) than she was because of the man she's with (evidence of the positive chain reaction. It's my conviction that just as a man and woman can produce something physically that they can't alone (children) that there is something they are able to produce in the other spouse that would otherwise be impossible to attain. For me, that is a quest worth pursuing with all zeal and fervor.

Regarding all guys should have a doll, the jury is still out on that one. I'm experimenting with it and examining the pros and cons (there are always both). Pros is the insulation/buffer that it gives the husband from putting on his wife while she is able to be filled and allow the chain reaction to start naturally. But one con is that it presents a very present visual and unfair comparison to the wife. Sexual attention that was once exclusively given to the wife is now applied to a doll, and when the attention is brought back to the wife, normal imperfections highlight themselves, which were previously hidden (or were insignificant given the love in the relationship). I fear that over exposure to such comparisons might have an adverse affect. But worse is my fear that the wife might have an "overload" of self-appearance depression when comparing herself to such a doll. Getting older (and the reality that your body won't go backwards and mortality is real) has a habit of making one nostalgic for the "body of yesterday" (hence the booming makeup/plastic surgery industry). A doll might fastforward those effects. Bottom line, I'm beginning to belief that a doll might be a good "antibiotic" to get things moving long enough for the normal immune system to kick in, but it might be detrimental if you keep popping them indefinitely. Also, (although I'm not sure if this is not good), I believe part of what makes a woman feel special is that she is the exclusive source of joy for her man. Granted, some women (too many unfortuantely), have used their sexuality to manipulate the man (monopoly) if he's submitted himself to monogamy, but I've read much about women who feel bad because of their lack of ability to please her man. The man having a 2nd source might be a source of disesteem to the woman emotionally (she doesn't measure up as a woman).

In regards to future prospects of relationships if you have a doll, I think the answer is different depending on who has one. If the guy has a doll, in my opinion, that would be a huge hurdle for the girl. You've got the physcial comparison issue (which will negatively affect the woman's ability to be comfortable/vulnerable/intimate), plus since a woman's natural sex drive is mainly fueled by emotional intimacy and not pure physical attraction, it may be hard for a woman to see the doll as anything but a perversion (due to lack of understanding the male sex drive.) The guy could hide it and then share once a deep relationship has been established, but then you have the issue of the guy having hid something from her for so long which violates the trust factor that is critical to women (so what else is he hiding?) It's not insurmountable but I could see needing good climbing shoes and some oxygen tanks.

The other way around seems less dangerous. I agree with Papa Bear in that most men would enjoy seeing a woman enjoy herself with something else, anything else (except another dude, and yet there are men who have even gone that far). I think it would also juice the guy to have evidence that his woman has a sex drive that leads her to want it even outside of having a relationship. The pitfalls I see is insecurity that she would enjoy the doll more than him, as guys don't intuitively understand that the emotional relationship is what makes sex great for the woman. He may understand that intellectually, but deep down, he's thinking that "it's the tool that makes her drool". You could probalby get around this by NEVER suggesting that the doll is better, and maybe involving him with using the doll (he'll enjoy watching as long as he gets to partake). The other BIG issue is if the situation pops up where he wants sex, doesn't get it, but the doll did get it. I'm not sure if that scenario is possible (the woman would have to want sex and then desire it from the doll instead of the guy), but I could see that scenario turning into a nuclear reactor explosion situation for the guy.

Well, that's my two cents on the issue (maybe a bit more than two). Love to hear responses as my opinions may be well read and thought out, but in the end, they're still male.

[ShadowCat]

What ruins the immersion for you?

Now that the weather is getting colder- he's cold!! That sucks. So, I bought a heated throw- love it. One of these days I'll have to take a picture- the throw is fake fur

[47616902]

How log does it take to warm him up. Thinking of getting one for my doll.

[ShadowCat]

How log does it take to warm him up. Thinking of getting one for my doll.

Not sure how long it takes, because I usually just throw the blanket over both of us. Plus I use it at the lowest setting. It definitely helps- I'd recommend getting one. Of course, I'm the type of person who's always cold. I'm comfortable in 80 degree weather.

[Papa Bear]

So, I bought a heated throw- love it. One of these days I'll have to take a picture- the throw is fake fur

Today's the day, we'd love to see!

[Smoke]

One of the things that has been in the back of my mind- and maybe should be a separate thread- is worrying about what people I date/might have a future relationship with would think of Aki. They would need to be accepting of him, because he's not going anywhere, but I wonder if my owning a MALE doll automatically limits my prospects for future partners. Would women be more accepting? Would a guy see him as a threat to his own (the guy's) ability to satisfy his partner or would it totally turn him on? Thoughts on that?

My personal perspective as a man? Watching a woman having sex is always a turn on, with a man, with a woman, with a doll, with a dildo, with her hand and on and on. I believe even many so called homophobic men like watching lesbian porn. I think if you took a poll the majority of men would feel the same.

Absolutely!!!!

[InAccessible1]

cleaning dolls, can be done, with a whole "washing your feet", kind of thing...like how for example one might bring the bubble bath to a woman, so she doesn't have to go to it, and is free to relax...it's a romance thing...i know...lol

talking about him to family...shoot, i'd say that makes you in the majority of doll owners, from what i see.

I agree on both points

of course, my question is what apparently everyone has in mind, but hasn't yet asked...
what and how'd you come to being a doll owner...
we all have a story there, some of them really amazing and touching to hear...i think.

Hmmm, I've been thinking about how to answer this for the last few days. I'm normally a very private person, so it's sometimes hard to talk about really personal issues.
I have low grade chronic depression and have struggled with sexual drive for a long time. Depression can be difficult for other people to understand, especially when a person (like me) appears to be completely functional. My depression is not a problem at least 90% of the time, but it does contribute to very low libido (so does taking anti-depressant medications).
I am "30-something," had plenty of dates and a few relationships, but never really found anything that made me happy. Sex became my "duty" as a girlfriend, something I felt I had to do (was never forced!) to keep my partner happy. Unfortunately, it made me resentful and unhappy. If it were up to me entirely, sex would have been pretty rare. (certainly not what most guys want-lol).
Of course, with a doll there is absolutely no pressure or expectation of sex. It is completely up to me. If I want to just cuddle or hold his hand- I can. It's a nice feeling.
There were other issues in past relationships, but I think what is above is what lead me to seriously consider a doll. Aki has made me happy so far

Hey ShadowCat, thank you for sharing your story. I am really happy for you that Aki has brought such joy in your life. I know my mom suffers from depression, but you can't really tell by looking at her. So I can kinda understand where you are coming from. Hopefully I can have a happy ending to my quest as well.

[ShadowCat]

Hey ShadowCat, thank you for sharing your story. I am really happy for you that Aki has brought such joy in your life. I know my mom suffers from depression, but you can't really tell by looking at her. So I can kinda understand where you are coming from. Hopefully I can have a happy ending to my quest as well.

I hope you do too

[Nyarlat]

Hi ShadowCat, this question is more about cats and RealDolls in general, not specific to the male model. I saw that you put pants on Aki to help protect him, so your kitties aren't de-clawed, ( ) and that Aki spends most of his time on the couch. Now, my cats pretty much have free run to go anywhere in my apartment (a few exceptions) and especially around feeding times they are all over me on the couch. Sometimes (again, usually around feeding times) when I'm sitting on the couch, one of my cats will "stretch" out on my leg, with claws out (he doesn't really scratch, it's just a result of his stretching out on my leg) and that potentially worries me a little, as I'm not sure if it's just me or has to do with legs in the sitting position. Just wondering if yours do the same and if so, has this caused any damage to Aki? Did you ever have any problems with "poke throughs" through the pants just from them walking over him? I know you said that you don't use the stand much, but have you ever experienced problems while he's on the stand and the cats using him as a scratching post?

Also, as far as cleaning, does the regular cleaning (spongebath) remove cat hair and such from Aki?

To give some idea of my cats' usual nail length, (for reference) I usually trim when they start to bite and pull at them and "pull" more at the carpet while stretching. Usually about every 1.5-2 months. Or whenever I notice a huge dagger haha.

I don't have a RealDoll (yet), but these cats aren't going anywhere for a long time and I would probably have her stay on the couch (like you do with Aki) or on the stand most of the time.

Sorry for the barrage of questions, and thank you for being so open with the forum!

[shimu3z]

ShadowCat,
Your posts have helped me very much in making a decision about getting a Real Doll. I just , also, want that connection. I agree that being private it is difficult to share things. Thank you for being brave and forthright.