Buying First Doll Reasons As A Gay Man

[hot_dirt9114]

I'm sharing my personal story here and hope it resonates with others and sends thoughts into the ether to help others.

I came out in my early 20s (realising I was gay quite late and therefore thinking I was asexual for a while) and I was isolated from my family completely as a result.
I set out on my journey to find happiness in the gay world, but continuously struggled.
I was not accepted in my home country by gay men, most people said it was because of my skin colour (remember this was 10 years ago before #blacklivesmatter and media opening up to other races in general), but till date I don't have a clear answer.
I was fortunate enough to be able to always find sex through apps like Grindr, but nothing more. I couldn't land dates or develop connections beyond hookups despite trying.
I went to therapy, sex therapy, and completed all types of tests to check for mental issues causing my situation (autism, aspergers etc) and even meditation, with no avail.
Each time I was told "you are fine" and "its the gay community" and encouraged to keep trying and even move out of my home country to potentially somewhere more accepting / diverse.
I moved to the United States in the hope things would improve. Unfortunately, I've lived in a large city here for almost 2 years, and my situation is unchanged.
I attract a lot of sexual attention on apps, parties, clubs and otherwise, but once someone has "had me" they don't care anymore. I've had a couple of experiences that were "more" (e.g. cuddle overnight, a first date etc) but still nothing to the level I was hoping for and thought I would have given all I have to offer someone (not to sound like a big head).
So in my 10 years of coming out, I've not had anything more than a single hookup with 98% of guys, with a handful getting to the second or maximum third, but nothing more.

Everyone who meets me is completely confused how I am still single. Why? Because I am fundamentally "put together" and typically gay men (or men in general) can't get like this alone. I fit the "tall, dark, handsome" profile looks wise (also have gym muscles), I earn well / am career driven, have a good set of friends, hobbies, a big cock lol, a nice / stable personality, no "hidden trauma" that was not dealt with, etc. Still I am not given even a shot at FWB setup or relationship; guys just can't look beyond me as more than a sexual object to play with and I'm tired of this level of consistent objectification. Due to this, over the years, I've lost touch with what I even want from someone, because I am lacking in any kind of connection to help me understand this.

I am not one to blame, project out, feel defeatist and give up etc and I'm trying to take responsibility for my part in this journey and break the cycle. Therefore I looked for alternative methods / answers which is when I came across the male sex dolls. The one on Realing (Arnold) caught my attention as he is quite literally the type of BF I would seek so I'm placing an order shortly.

Benefits for me getting a doll:
a) I spent a LOT of time on apps / parties / bars "sourcing" men for connection, sex and otherwise. That has meant I give up other things in life e.g. investing further in my career, growing my side business etc which honestly would pay off much more (and where I am honestly happier). Knowing I don't need to spend 1-2 hours a day "keeping up" with messages and chasing guys is honestly feeling so great already. I actually find the "good ones" naturally then gravitate to you anyway if you are not chasing.
b) I finally have a baseline. This is also why I think a lot of open relationships exist in the gay community. You have something to "go back home" to, but then feel more free to "go for" something thats "incrementally better". In my case, I have nothing, and am always chasing hoping the next guy will be different. No more. The doll gives me a baseline to actually be picking men who add something more to my life (in a healthy way) vs obsessing over trying to find someone for sex and starting that cycle over and over again and continuously being disappointed.
c) Someone in my bed, someone where I can play out my more intimate fantasies safely. Almost like a first boyfriend. This will help me learn what I actually like and don't like. In the community I'm presented as a "dom top" but people forget I have feelings and sometimes want a cuddle or the like too. I have not found a single man (including other tops) who will top me (or I feel like bottoming for) simply because they all want to bottom for me. This gives me the opportunity to fulfil some of those things (including bottom in a safe environment) freely and learn more about myself.
d) Given I've been objectified so much over the years, I wonder if being able to do that back to something diffuses some of the anger / resentment / negative energy I may bring into hookups with real guys. I'm not for "bullying" someone because you are bullied, but this seems like a safe space / method to heal.
e) I did consider a pet but at this point in my life, I want something just for me without additional / ongoing effort / cost (I realise the doll has an initial cost, I meant ongoing stress/cost). I am always giving, helping, etc, I want something that just satisfies me for once. This doll is perfect for that as crazy as I may sound.

I am under no delusions here in thinking the sex doll is real and will replace real human contact. For me, it's therapy, that at this point I feel is much needed in keeping me sane in this tough world.

[Papasmurf1142]

Your posts certainly does resonates the sane sentiments with this community, myself included. I turn to dolls as an escape. One shortcoming I’m discovering is that they don’t give feed back.. no, not that feedback that comes with having sex with an actual woman rather what comes with being with an actual woman. I have zero incentive to dress or look better. I come home to a perfect 10 after work that never says ‘no’ or ever complains. The only thing I need to be able to do is lift her. The doll life has turned me into a lazy fuck.. lol

[Treepusher]

A doll won’t replace all human contact, no, but it will go a fair way towards it. You might be surprised how much they help.

[Dollfriend]

Not gay but can say that having TPE and Silicone Sex Dolls in my life has definately helped me take the edge off, and relieve alot of sexuality anxt, it has given me a much more relaxed attitude than before I started the hobby, might help you in the same way.

[SimonSays7]

I have almost the opposite problem. 16 years into a relationship, sex has become very infrequent, she seldom wants it, which was part of what helped her agree that she could accept me having a doll.

I'm struck by your writing about your personal story. I mean, great, get a doll, order that one that totally turns you on, and fuck it like crazy, woo-hoo! They are great, I must say, no question. Mine looks like an improbably curvy woman. Fantasy come true!

But reading your personal story, I see you're a thoughtful, soulful person who wants love. And you deserve that. I wonder if having a doll to boink may not diminish that desire.

Reading your deep account, I can't help thinking, I mean, I have lots of gay friends who are entirely capable of deeper connection, and who expect that in their relationships. They are out there. And many of them are probably tired of casual sex as well.

Maybe you've already tried online dating. (Dating sites as distinct from hook-up apps) But if not, take that account of your story and re-work it a bit, it's so vulnerable and real, about your disappointments with "the scene" and what you want. Some lucky dude may see it and flip over it, and who knows.

And if you have a doll at home, he may find that the quirkiest and most fun thing imaginable.

You didn't ask for advice, friend, sorry to presume. But I see that you're willing to be real, and I think that's precious. I wouldn't want you getting a doll meaning giving up on love, if that's what you want.

That said, there are lots of guys on here who have given up on love, and there ain't nothin' wrong with that. Life's too short to live by other people's rules.

[hot_dirt9114]

I have almost the opposite problem. 16 years into a relationship, sex has become very infrequent, she seldom wants it, which was part of what helped her agree that she could accept me having a doll.

I'm struck by your writing about your personal story. I mean, great, get a doll, order that one that totally turns you on, and fuck it like crazy, woo-hoo! They are great, I must say, no question. Mine looks like an improbably curvy woman. Fantasy come true!

But reading your personal story, I see you're a thoughtful, soulful person who wants love. And you deserve that. I wonder if having a doll to boink may not diminish that desire.

Reading your deep account, I can't help thinking, I mean, I have lots of gay friends who are entirely capable of deeper connection, and who expect that in their relationships. They are out there. And many of them are probably tired of casual sex as well.

Maybe you've already tried online dating. (Dating sites as distinct from hook-up apps) But if not, take that account of your story and re-work it a bit, it's so vulnerable and real, about your disappointments with "the scene" and what you want. Some lucky dude may see it and flip over it, and who knows.

And if you have a doll at home, he may find that the quirkiest and most fun thing imaginable.

You didn't ask for advice, friend, sorry to presume. But I see that you're willing to be real, and I think that's precious. I wouldn't want you getting a doll meaning giving up on love, if that's what you want.

That said, there are lots of guys on here who have given up on love, and there ain't nothin' wrong with that. Life's too short to live by other people's rules.

Thank you for this post.

Getting the doll is definitely not a solution to give up on love. I guess the type of love I'm trying to find (non-materialistic, deeper connection love) is extremely hard to find (especially where I live, my age etc). Ontop of that, if you do find it, having the attraction to them, them having it back etc is also luck. I have tried a wide range of avenues: all kinds of online dating, parties, etc. I'm not saying I don't get any attention, I'm saying I'm just not finding someone that makes me "tick".

I don't think its the casual sex that bothers me per say. Having the doll doesn't prevent me from still going out and seeking sex. The doll is more for the other days e.g. I come home from work really tired and want a cuddle instead of being on my phone for 2 hours trying to source someone who typically will still flake. Seeing something regularly when I come home so its not always just "me" alone.

I am very much a non-lazy person. I think for me having some level of consistency and security in this part of my life (similar to how its easier to be picky / find a better job when you already have a good one vs unemployed or hate your current one) then I will actually both refine what I am looking for (beyond sex) and then go look for it. I don't think I can ever be illusioned that the doll is replacing a real human connection, more just a fill in to help me make a step in the right direction.

I can give you a real example. I was so tired at work my brain shut down. I went to a circuit party (alone) not caring about whether I "scored" because I had organised a hookup after anyway. Once I got there I just enjoyed dancing. And more than 10 guys that night hit on me. Why? Because I wasn't "craving" anything because I knew if I didn't get laid in the party I would after and didn't care. I'm trying to basically permanently be in that state so that I actually attract something I like and want to invest in and don't make him run away with my intensity / desire for love because some of my needs are already being satisfied elsewhere per say (except I'm not cheating).

And... arnold from Realing is so hot haha. Even without the doll my libido has gone up haha.

[SimonSays7]

Very cool, hot dirt! And so awesome that Arnold does it for you.

Your strategy totally makes sense!

There are lots of straight guys on here who I’ve read, posting about how having a doll at home makes them more relaxed and desirable to women, since they don’t have a hungry, needy, or hunting vibe that can be a turn-off to others at times.

That was me, often, when I was single, especially younger when my libido dominated even more than now.

It’s great to just have a place to take your desires. I think it has helped my marriage.

Sounds like Arnold might be just the ticket for you. Keep us posted!

[hot_dirt9114]

Very cool, hot dirt! And so awesome that Arnold does it for you.

Your strategy totally makes sense!

There are lots of straight guys on here who I’ve read, posting about how having a doll at home makes them more relaxed and desirable to women, since they don’t have a hungry, needy, or hunting vibe that can be a turn-off to others at times.

That was me, often, when I was single, especially younger when my libido dominated even more than now.

It’s great to just have a place to take your desires. I think it has helped my marriage.

Sounds like Arnold might be just the ticket for you. Keep us posted!

Yup, exactly.
I have a fleshlight but it isn't quite the same. I want the full thing haha.
He should arrive in the next month or so. Really excited for this.

[sethjames]

So happy you got Arnold! His body still amazes me after a month of having mine home.

You probably have read quite a few intro guidelines about having a doll/caring for silicone etc. but one thing I wish I knew was to put shoes on him as soon as you can when he arrives.

I didn’t with my Kanu and moving him around, I noticed a slice out of his sole. So whenever you have him standing up or if you’re moving him around, I suggest having him in shoes to protect his feet. If you’re quite careful anyway, do it just to protect your floors if you have standing bolts as they can leave metal marks on them even with little movements. My bathroom tiles were a mess!

ALSO, if you got standing bolts for him, and the bolts seem to be too far in and is digging into the silicone quite a bit, I suggest unscrewing it just enough that its not digging in to the silicone. Mine did that and it cut through the silicone from whenever I had him standing or when I moved him around. Good thing I like to keep him with socks on even in bed so the slices and scratches don’t bother me much. But yeah, just something to consider

[hot_dirt9114]

So happy you got Arnold! His body still amazes me after a month of having mine home.

You probably have read quite a few intro guidelines about having a doll/caring for silicone etc. but one thing I wish I knew was to put shoes on him as soon as you can when he arrives.

I didn’t with my Kanu and moving him around, I noticed a slice out of his sole. So whenever you have him standing up or if you’re moving him around, I suggest having him in shoes to protect his feet. If you’re quite careful anyway, do it just to protect your floors if you have standing bolts as they can leave metal marks on them even with little movements. My bathroom tiles were a mess!

ALSO, if you got standing bolts for him, and the bolts seem to be too far in and is digging into the silicone quite a bit, I suggest unscrewing it just enough that its not digging in to the silicone. Mine did that and it cut through the silicone from whenever I had him standing or when I moved him around. Good thing I like to keep him with socks on even in bed so the slices and scratches don’t bother me much. But yeah, just something to consider

I have got the standing without bolts. Is it okay?

[JerJer19]

Yes. WIthout bolts is fine. It's good you got standing. It will help. Arnold is a very sexy dude. Wouldn't mind having him in my bed. lol